OK, so I'm not a big fan of pop music and their artists, but last night out of boredom- I came across this guilty pleasure (be patient it's a video mix that's actually catchy):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYQUQXapN1c&feature=related



...just click on it and watch it.. ya know ya wanna.... :)

OK, so I'm not a big fan of pop music and their artists, but last night out of boredom- I came across this guilty pleasure (be patient it's a video mix that's actually catchy):

Holey Toledo!
So I can return among the living...I am no longer the walking dead. I have a f*cking J*b!
It's 1 1/2 hr bus ride out to Tualitin --I work at 9 am, so I have to wake up at 6 am --

(Note to folks: I'm really not used to that time frame).. it's been a while since it has been necessary for me to get up that god awful early... Sucky, but I get money for it. and money means I can pay my bills, pay for things I'm behind in.. pay for food, so I can eat and be active again.

I hate money. BUT YAY! I can live in the human society once again!

Basically I am an off site receptionist...a sort of operator who patches you through to the other guy. A sort of pointless role to play, but people stil pay for that service... Good for me. I have a job in this crappy economy! WOOT!

so I'm on fetlife. If you are 18 or older, and kinky or love sex, check out the site and find me

No surprise, Daiziedawl is my handle there too.

So the lack of ponyplay has made me succumb to attempting to write a story. I hope you enjoy it. perhaps after it's written out completely, I'll spellcheck it and add more meat to it so it's not so basic of a story or an idea for a story.

Keep in mind, I don't write stories and I'm really making this up as I am typing. I have 45 minutes to kill, so I'd thought I'd treat you with a pony story. Hope it's not too dull.

In this story there are no real solid animals the way we know them. There are animals, but they are more humanoid with animal features (fish people, bird people, reptile people, cow and horse people they don't wear costumes to be what they are, they just naturally have certain features). the full humans of course are like we are. some want to exploit them, some wish to just leave them alone in nature, and some are deviant about the whole thing. There are no cars, or planes during this time period, but there are boats, and animal powered equpment. Science and the health industry is also doing quite well and is a bit farther along than we are. Now, on with the story:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a world where animals and people are one and the same...

the dun colored equisapien, Stormy woke up on the forest floor. She stretched her long carmel legs and pulled herself up on her two dark hooves. She smelled the air, there was an odd scent she didn't recognize. She's been wandering the countryside for months by herself after making a very non-pony choice of leaving her small quiet herd in the desert plains in search of greater adventures.

Now she was far from home, and the storm from last night had drove her further into the strange forest. Her tummy gurgled and she realized it was time to find something to eat around here.

She nosed around smelling the various plants with her horse-like face. Stormy eventually came to a clearing of willow trees growing alongside a brook and some berry bushes. She crouched down and started eating them directly, as she had hooves for hands.

After filling up on berries, remaining crouched and using her front hooves as well, she crawled down to the brook and lowered her head to drink the cool sweet water. She took big gulps and raised her head from time to time. She couldn't shake the strange thought that something was odd about the day. over that last few months, the only adventure she she's been able to experience has been with the weather, nearly starving, and that one time with the lady starling who kept on swooping down to discourage Stormy from cutting through mother starling's terriroy and her well hidden nest. She sighed as she lay in the shaded grass under the willow trees.

Normally she'd be more on edge from being in this new strange forest, the odd smell in the air, and the odd feeling she keeps on getting, but She's been wandering for so long, and this is the most soothing place she has come across for quite some time.

Stormy must have drifted off because a faint but beautiful sound woke her up. She opened her eyes and quietly listened. It didn't sound like any bird she has ever heard before, and the notes carried on longer and lower than birds normally make. She decided to get up on her walking legs and find out since she was rested and fed.

She walked through the forest and came to an actual dirt trail, the sound was getting louder, but stepping onto the trail meant she might be seen by someone. She remembers her mother once told her never let a full human find you, for they do devious and horrid things to the fellow creatures and envrionments around them. She has never actually seen a human, but she hears they look similar to an equisapien.

Her heart leapt, half in fear and half in excitement. She's always kept her mother's advice to heartand has been raised with the fear of humans in her, but she wants to so desperately see one for herself.

She decides to play it safe and stays off the trail, but continues the search for the sounds origin. A few minutes later, she descovers the source of the music coming behind a large bush. She cautiously and quietly approaches the bush, slowly peering through it so as not to be seen. There sitting on a large tree root, under an old oak is the strangest creature ever whitnessed. It looks like her, but it is covered and wrapped in colorful things. The creature holds a device that appears to have been made out of a straight hollowed branch in it's hands. It blows through one of the end sides andthe pretty sound comes out.

"This creature is indeed strange, this must be a human." She thought as she notes the short blunt face, and lack of ears (Perhaps they are covered by the lady's long golden hair?). Stormy studies the odd lady's hands again. How strange they are. She looks down at her upper hooves again and begins to admire the odd lady and all her fantastic human features.

"I wonder what all she could do with those.....hands of hers." Stormy's dark brown eyes trail to the woman's bare feet. She leans a little farther out to get a better view of them but shakes the bush just enough to notice.

The human lady stops blowing into the flute and lowers it down and she asks, "Who's there?" she pauses for a moment longer before adding, "Shelby, is that you?"

Stormy doen't understand human words, though her herd speaks, it only speaks pony. She wants to nicker back, but she's still too wary to do so.

"Shelby, this isn't funny. If you don't answer, I swear I'm going to punch you in the arm when I find you." The lady stands quickly and dusts her green dress off as the startled Stormy snorts and trots off. The lady, startled as well from the bush suddenly snorting and shaking, lets out a quick yelp then slips her sandals on and runs towards the bush holding her flute as a weapon.

When she gets to the other side of the bush, there is nothing there, She looks on to hear snapping twigs and other shrubbery shaking when the wind is dead.

"You Tom Peep! It's not polite to spy on a lady!" She lets out a frusterated sigh and walks away to go home and call it a day.

Stormy keeps on trotting for quite some time. She is unsure if she was followed, but she doesn't want to find out. The lady didn't seem all that bad, but chances like that are not worth risking.

to be continued....

I don't know why I haven't posted this yet. About two weeks ago or so, I made a collar from Peaches's hair. Made from her tail hair, and the softest hair there ever is on an equine, that tuft that's right under their forelock. makes me happy to wear her around wherever I go.

The forelock hair kind of gets in the way slightly, and I'm afraid it might get damaged if I wear the collar too much, as the collar slides around because the back lock I created is the heaviest point. so I'm hunting for a good counter weight to add with her forlock so it won't slide and risk damage. I have more tail hair of hers, so I might just make another one sans forlock tassle.

well, it's been a while, still no ponying. So here's another vanilla life posting...

Not trying to do an "oh, woe is me" post, but I feel pretty hurt right now.
Had an odd Christmas. Three of them. The first was with my dad who made me feel like I was simply a visitor coming in. I feel as if he's been ignoring me and pushing me away as his daughter and instead just helping his step son, his wife and their three kids all the time.

Now I've been helping them with thier cat Charlie. I've been taking him to the vet a few times a few months ago (when I didn't have cash to spend on other things besides bills), because they told me they would pay me back, and have been telling me for some time now. Then, the other night dad called me up and says they don't have to pay me their half of the vet bills ($95 or so) because them buying the cat food makes up for it... WTF? Charlie (as much as I love that cat) is their cat, not mine. I've taken him in from them a few times when they have told me that they where putting him down because they where moving and it was an inconveinience to them.. so I saved Charlie's life and took care of him for a a month and ahalf, then they wanted him back after a month and a half. (Lucky I stopped them from selfishly putting him down, so they could HAVE him back)

I was so hurt by how dad told me, that I didn't fight back and tell him how wrong that was to do to me in this time of need, plus I didn't want his Christmas sucking because they had to worry about paying me or anything.... So I haven't told them how I feel about it yet.. but I will soon.

Then on the 24th I went to their house as they acted like they wanted me there, so I came. they told me specifically that the party didn't start til 6:30 pm so I arrived at 6:20 or so, and everyone had opened their presents already.

I didn't receive any gifts from my dad at all. I know it's not about the gifts, and I'm not trying to sound all selfish here. I understand they are poor people, just like I am. But seriously, they went all out using money they didn't have for gifts to the three children of my step brother (Chris) and then gifted my step brother and his wife (Melissa), and even some other lady who came over and her kid. yet, his own daughter got nada. SERIOUSLY, WTF IS THAT SHIT?????!!!!

That on top of he's always helping out Chris and Melissa when they don't even want to help themselves. And here I struggle, yet when I ask for help (not even money most the time) They don't have the time, or they just don't want to.

It hurts me so bad that he's like this, then he always guilt trips me when I don't call him for over a week after he's hurt me by one thing or another.

My other two holidays wher good, I was surrounded by friends and we had a good feast. I know People say "Friends are the new family." and all that shit,but when your own family doesn't give a flying fuck, it still bothers ya deep down and eats away.

Friday night one of my rattys died. His name was Kashi and he was getting old (3 years!) for the past week, he's been getting worse, stopped eating, eventualy stopped drinking. I was gone for two days because of xmas, and my boyfriend wanted to stay home with him. Kashi lasted and Heath was surprized he hung on for as long as he did.

I came home friday night surprized myself to see he was still breathing. So I picked him up and layed him in my lap just waiting for him to go. He kept on struggling, he really wanted to live, he had so much fight in him in his passing. I snuggled my face up to him and kissed him and made my soft clicky noises, and told him that it was okay to die, he didn't need to hang on for us (He was a very loving rat and fought long and hard to keep going, when it was abvious he was starting to suffer the last day. After a good hour or so, of me kuddling him securely and us both getting him stoned to ease some of his discomfort (getting him stoned helped him out quite alot, he didn't struggle so much to stay with us after that).

He finally had a long seizure while I held him snuggly so he wouldn't flop around so bad, and passed away. I was so thankful he finally passed away. Vet offices where closed, the hour was late, and I dind't have the heart to kill him myself.

Mooch is all alone now, but he's an odd ratty. He's pretty piggy and really has an uncaring attitude. so now that he's getting more attention, he seems to be happier. he's such a piggy.

trying to find a job here, still. I turn my application in everywhere, and I can't even get a simple barista job these days. I'm all positive and well dressed, handing out my resume with the occasional cover letter depending on job. I'm going nuts. really tempted to see what it's like in Seattle, but if I moved up there I have to make sure the job I'm looking at will at least pay 15 an hour, or I just won't do it.

Hot damn.. my kidneys feel like I've been kicked by a horse! they didn't feel good yesterday either.. but today.FUCK! This didn't start till I drank some cranberry juice two days ago. I was feeling fine before, but ever since, my bladder and kidneys have been getting bad here. I looked up to see if I had an allergy to cranberries, but the symptoms are completely different. what gives?

I got some of the recent pictures off my friends camera, they are up in the november photo album.

here's the last ride I had on Peaches while down in K falls. I must say, everything was perfect for the both of us on that ride. Where the sun was hitting, that was about where we stopped and rested and I let her graze for a while before turning around.








here she is in her new pasture in oregon city.








here's a pic of her in Kfalls, I liked the way the light shown on her back.

She just sprained her knee, so I'm going to go down and help her with the barn chores.

It happened today on her own terms... Or the Universe's perhaps. She passed away from a stroke.

I wasn't there when it happened, Teri had called me while it was happening. but I came to pay my respects to her.

She had a wonderful last week. The grass at her new home was halfway up her cannonbones, she had seven other horse buddies to talk to. Two of which she shared a pasture with; an 18 month old palomino and a 5 month old black thoroughbred stud (both would show off for her quite frequently, and follow her everywhere around the pasture).

The weather was sunny and warm today. And she was being switched from the two colt's pasture to a more open one, as two more horses where coming in today. Teri was leading her and Peaches took a few mouthfulls of grass, turned to look at Mr. Blondie (he was being led behind Peaches by Steve, Teri's husband) and she fell down and began to shudder, she got hot and sweaty, then for a half hour, she tried hard to get on her feet. Her hips and back legs refused to work, but she still tried to get up. I'm told after a half hour of struggling, she finally decided to stop. She fell on Teri who was standing at her shoulders at the time.

When I arrived, Steve had just came back from dropping Teri at the hospital. I hope her leg isn't broken. I've been trying to check in on her but of course, it's the hospital, so her phone was shut off. Steve reasures me she'll be ok.

I look over at the bulk under the tarp and I approach it slowly. The strangest feeling in the world pulling the tarp back to see her face. 20 wonderful years of knowing this ol' mare, I just hope she wasn't in too much pain for too long. I stuck peacock feathers all over her mane and tail, painted the right side of her face, a heart on her chest and some other symbols of love and happiness on her neck. I talked for a while to her, buried my face in her neck and said my goodbyes. spend a good couple of hours with her until the other two new horses arrived, then kissed her for the last time. I covered her head back up, put rocks around the tarp, as a few barn kitties where trying to crawl under the tarp to get to her. I gave her pasture buddies the rest of her cookies until they where all gone before leaving.

I'm not trying to be down about this, She had the best last week ever. Before she was haltered to go to her new pasture, she was running and kicking up her feet with the colts. I'm thankful that she was happy and running right up until the end. It's one of those freak things, but now I can imagine she's in a better place, her pain is gone, her good energy dispersed to her surroundings. She's free, and will be terribly missed.

Yes, now that the ol' girl is up here closer to me, I'll be talking more frequently about her.

Mentally, she's doing awesome! Nadine Hoy (bless her heart), the lady from Project Spirit who hauled her up to her new home, gave me $60 to use on Peach. So on my way there, Heath and I stopped by a feed store where I grabbed a bag of Senior equine complete, some grooming supplies, a little bag of mollasses horse cookies, and an apple flavored horse lollipop that hangs from the rafters in her new stall to help aliviate her boredom, when she's stuck in on those cold wet days. $60 just doesn't get much these days, but I am very thankful to have that opportunity, it helped out and my horse appriciates it so much.

I hope the feed helps with boosting her weight up, right now, she looks like she was shipped from some Ethiopian jungle. Pray to whatever god(s) you know to boost her fat up to help keep her warm during these cold winter months.

God bless you all,
~Daizie

There's a few things I need to straighten out in my life. I'm still jobless and some how managing to live... don't ask me how.. I've got some sort of strange luck though. Guess I'm blessed. So I've been searching for jobs since I've been back.

Also something about this journal has been buggin me. It didn't end up the way I'd intended it to... This is supposed to be memoirs of a pony girl. Musings and pony play stories, ended up more of what's sort of going on in my life, more than what's going on while I'm harnessed... God... when was the last time I was in harness? I beleive it was that fetish circus up around Seattle last november/december. And before that, at the long house area, the pony gathering/ birthday cake sharing.

I'm missing ponyplay and all the fun I had with my friends around the seattle area. I don't get to do that, so I don't have any pony play stories fed from those moments.

I've waited this long, I think I can wait a little longer, till the weather clears, my financial situation has been settled, and I grow a little more.

Time to feed Kit's spirit just a little more before I dip back into that pool. BOY-HOWdee, I just can't wait!

Wow!

(pictures below taken on Sunday the 9th)

I want to thank everyone who has responded to me with everything from simple words of encouragement, offering places to keep her, and giving me lists and numbers to call and look up. I want to thank all the people who just kept Peaches in their minds, who prayed and kept their minds positive. YOU ALL helped Peaches make her way home. ((there where a lot of you!!))

I'd like to thank Teri, the wonderful lady in Oregon City who has room in her heart for this wonderful mare. I'd also like to thank Nadine Hoyt and her husband and Project Spirit for helping me get her out of there.

Right now she is staying a couple of days at Project Spirit and leaving in the morning on Saturday to go to her new foster home!

It's been quite the two week struggle of searching for homes, searching for ways of moving her, getting over unnecessary heart break and remaining strong for her.

Sometimes I felt like losing hope and accepting that she might need to be put down, when in actuality, that was not the case. Every time I felt things where going good, I'd get beaten down by one thing or another. Trailer rides fell through, I listened to untruthful excuses pertaining to Peaches and the whys, some people where scared away by what mom told them.

There was one night when I was talked to for quite some time by both my mom and step dad, Dan. Dan told me no matter if people want to save her, she is to be put down. It was so soul crushing. I'd step out and try to find those things bad in Peaches to only find that, yes, she is old... so what? I know she didn't have any clue she was to be put down, but she did know something was up by the way I was acting around her. She'd lean in to comfort me, let me know everything's going to be all right. That's when I snapped back.

I was at the point where I was planning on stealing her away the night before her euthanasia. Pretty drastic, but I was expecting to do it.

I was given silly rules, promised things, got those broken. My emotions where constantly up and down about all of this. The day before, while mom was arranging me to see the vet, so he could talk me out of this 'nonsense' I was arranging to sneak Peaches out, so I'd have a little more time.

The vet was awesome, he was level headed. I think mom was expecting him to tell me not only how risky this was for Peach, but that it really would make no difference where she was.

The Vet has a daughter with a horse the same age as her, so he knows what we where all going through. In the end, I thanked the vet for his time, then had a long talk with mom, in which she finally decided to let me help Peach. I confided in her that I was going to steal Peaches away if she said no anyways.

thank you everyone!!!!!!

Forever Thankful and grateful, ~Kit and Peaches

((good ol' camera phones...))

Yesterday, I took Peaches to the wildlife land again and we had a blast. I also got two call about Peaches, one from a rescue site saying they might know a lady who wants to foster an older horse, and the other from Peaches old mommy lady from 20 years ago, the caretaker before me. She was crying on the phone, she said she didn't have the money to take her, but she would try diligently to help Peaches out, she asked if mom could set the kill date out another week so she could have better luck searching.

I was so ecstatic! I screamed in the saddle, making Peaches all lively and she galloped off with me, I was so happy, I let her run and just held on... I haven't been that lighthearted since I came down on the 1st. On our way back, I decided to call mom with the good news. The first words out of her mouth on the phone was said in a snippy angry tone "Well, I'm not hauling her anywhere and you can't use my trailer." I couldn't believe my ears, it's like she didn't even want to help Peaches. she said it wasn't good news at all and whent off on the phone. I replied, "I can't believe you're being this way." and I hung up on her. brushed the thoughts out of my head and continued to ride her home.

Upon arriving in the barn and untacking her, mom came storming at me yelling atme telling me what a selfish, greedy bitch I was and she was ashamed of having me for a daughter. Instant argument ensued in which I remained calm, but she kept yelling and berating me.

She would rather have peaches die while shes in tip top shape than to let her live out a few more years with someone else who will take good care of her... It's like she was jealous that I would take Peaches away from her.. It's a silly argument, because Peaches wouldn't even be buried there, and she would be put down in a stinky cramped trailer... I can't see how dignified that would be.. especially when my old mare is still feeling her oats, with spirits and perked ears.

needles to say.. this is sucking hardcore for Peaches, and my heart is going from happy and relieved to heavy and hurting like a yo-yo on a daily basis.

She called me again last night, because I had to leave for a friend house to continue getting the word of Peaches out on the net to find help. I let it go to voice mail, and now I can't retrieve it because of the area I'm in. so I hope its nothing like, there is no way she will let me rescue Peaches out.

I won't give up on that girl.

So I've added a new album to my scrap book, it's titled Peaches for obvious reasons. You should chek it out, see what a wonderful looking old lady she is.

The 7 1/2 hour trip by train to K falls was both calming and nerve wracking. I didn't sleep a bit even though I was pretty tired I though an awful lot though, mostly about how things are going to be with Peaches when I arrive. The first night I was picked up by some friends from the train station. The next morning, I was dropped off at my moms and got to see Peaches.

Peaches is always annoyed at me the first day or two when I come down to see her.
I understand why. We where a team in our younger days, inseparable. Then, I sent her away. After she's done holding her grudge though, she's golden.

She nickers at me when I head out to the field where she grazes. She approaches and gives me that loving nudge of hers, then lowers her head to graze some more. I don't interrupt her, I let her graze as I brush her out in the feild and give her an occasional apple slice.

God, it's so wonderful to see her again. It's also bittersweet. My mom is putting her down on the 13th of November as she doesn't want to deal with Peaches another winter. See, last year, Klamath Falls had a really bad winter, and she's basing this winter off that winter.

I have been down here since the 2nd of November with Peaches, and I think I know why she has her crappy winters. One, they don't give her shavings or straw, or padding of any sort in her stall, just cold hard floor, they also don't up her feed when the weather drops, (it's already snowing down here, and all they give her is one flake of hay in the morning, and one at night with 1/4 can of alfalfa pellets.. that's it) Now, she's an older mare, 29 years old. When they get that age, they need some babying. A heat lamp would help out, some soft shavings, and upping her feed a little more would help too.

Since I've been down, I've made it a point to spoil her. She now has lots and lots of straw in her stall, they won't let me use the heat lamp I brought down for her, but I get away with having it on when I'm in the stall with her, so at night, I'll visit her for a few hours, groom her and talk to her and just hang out, and also sneak extra feed to her, which she immensely appreciates.

I look in my horse's eyes and I can assure you, she is not even ready to leave. She's so happy and spunky for an older horse, if she is saved from this fate, I see her living a few more happy healthy years. She loves to be ridden, she loves attention, and she loves children.

She is not lame, she has a good, smooth gate. She isn't even stiff in the slightest. Just today, I took her to the wildlife refuge and we rode together for a good three hours. Galloping full speed here and there, making sure not to slip when it came to the muddy parts (the snow had melted away leaving soupy grounds everywhere, and one happy horse with one happy rider). She is also bombproof. As we where walking in an area, I didn't even notice a pheasant right in front of our pathway. At the last moment, the bird flew up in front of Peaches' face with such a loud commotion, and Peaches, didn't even flinch, she continued on.

I'm trying to show mom how much spunk and life my old mare has in her still, and it doesn't seem to be getting through, she tells me whether Peaches is ready to go or not, she will be loaded in that trailer, once in, lethally injected and shipped off to the train where they take the livestock carcasses to be incinerated.

Please, if anyone of you know of someone who would love to take on this sweet deserving mare, let me know ASAP. email me, comment back with info, call me if you can. She's a piece of cake. I would if I could, but the only reason she's in this horrible boat is because I am a fucking jobless loser with a rather large debt hanging over my head.

The GUIDELINES for her would be: she needs a decent barn, she needs soft shavings or straw to lay in and be comfy, she will need her alfalfa pellets soaked for her to chew better, but she can still eat hay and alfalfa hay easily. If the winters are harsh, a heat lamp might be necessary, but she hasn't needed one yet, though she'd prolly enjoy it. Heck.. she will come with a heat lamp, if you don't have one. She loves attention, so an hour or so a day set aside for her would boost her spirits. She loves children, so if you knew of some kids..... She enjoys her rides, but I wouldn't put anyone over 150 lbs on her back (respect the grandma). She can be trusted with a baby on her back even. She's even happy with being a pasture decoration, as long as you give her the attention, but she MUST have a barn. She would also love another animal companion, as in another horse, pony, goat, cow, donkey, llama... something that also lives in the barn. She's dealt with piggies too, but she won't talk to them much, she doesn't understand piglatin.

Please act fast, she is a truly wonderful spirit, and not "just a horse" and she doesn't have much time left..... the 13th! If you know of anyone, I could get mom to cancel her death, but only for that. if it doesn't turn out, her destruction will resume. Please be bonafied.. and please mean to save her life.

thank you for your time, much love.

Running on the fourth of July Peaches loves the attention, so I painted her for July 4th.

Check out her album.. I will be adding more pictures to it later.

Hi-de-ho folks!

It seems to have been a lifetime in one year. Much has changed in my life, But I think I'll just keep the topic to my old mare Peaches. I'm more than frusterated at the situation delt to her, yet I can't do a bloody thing about it.

My old mare, as most of you know was sent to live with my mom in Klamath falls, six hours away from me. When I initially sent her down six years ago, I thought I would have my life back in order and she would have been here with me again by now. It hasn't happened that way, and now, my mom who promised me she would take good care of her and also bury her on the property when Peaches passed on, has been flaking on her promises. I feel so fucking helpless about it.

She set the put down date to November 14th. I see this as a killing out of convenience. My mom told me she doesn't want to take care of her another winter, and Peaches is still going strong, she is not suffering by any means. Yes, she is getting older, and yes, she does have trouble in the winter months, but she always pulls through when properly taken care of.

Mom told me last week she is putting her down, that she is not going to be buried, but taken to the vets and put down there and her body to be sent to rendering. YOu can imagine my reaction. I tried thinking of other solutions to every angle possible, from finding someway to bring her up here to me, so I can baby her and take care of her until Peaches herself says it's time to go. Mom was stubborn with that one, and my own monetary handicap blew that wonderful idea down. I looked into borrowing money so the could either be buried or cremated, and once nearly solved, Mom started making excuses over not allowing my own horse to be cremated or buried.

So I started to just accept that this horribly inevitable thing was going to happen to my old mare. The I got the news that The rendering company was going to send the trailer down to where Peaches is at moms, then put down in the trailer and hauled off. I'm so upset, that my upset is upset.

I've already come to terms with her leaving, But I can't get over the thought of her being put to death in the trailer thats sole job is to pick up other dead animals to take them away. But it looks like I have no choice in the matter.

NO one knows for sure, but some say a spirit stays where the body was dropped, and I hate the thought of her stuck like that, so I can't believe that. They won't allow her to be put down outside of the trailer because there would be no way for them to get the animal in the trailer. She is a 1,245 lb lady after all. I can't stand that she will smell death on the trailer before she even gets loaded into it.... I've had her since I was ten.... and this is the way she gets thanked in the end??? what the flying FUCK?

I asked mom if she was making Peaches comfortable with a heat lamp and some soft shavings. Her excuse is it's too much money, so she can't do that. They have two heat lamps they used on their pigs, they didn't have a problem with it then, and now that the pigs are already in the freezer, the heat lamps could be used, but mom doesn't want to spend the extra cash for Peaches three weeks left, and apparently she doesn't need soft shavings under her, becasue mom says she doesn't lay down, which is Bull SHIT. She doesn't lay down because it's not soft enough for her, she sleeps outside in her connected paddock, because that has dirt in it and she can dig a patch for softenss sake.

For FUCK'S SAKE, she has three weeks left, you could at least give the old mare some dignity and comfort.

needless to say I'm leaving November 1st to spend the last two weeks with her since situations don't look like they are going to improve for my Peaches. I'm taking a heatlamp, buy some friggin shavings for her, and spoil the hell out of that mare, she deserves it. I wish I could give her more, but I know she's going to appriciate that and my constant grooming, treat giving out, our shared walks and the rest of the time together. All I can do is apologuize, and hope she can fogive me. I never meant for it to go down this way. I mostly want to blame Dan for this. Since I've stood up to him, he's been using my horse against me. I see this convenient death as his planning, and moms just too freaked out to stand up as well.

I've got my own little ritual between me and Peaches planned out, I have all the good memories, I have the time, and I have a wonderful spirit animal friend. In the end, she will be free of the Shit she has been placed in, free to go roam where she pleases, gallop in the heavens, and hopefully peek in every so often.

My brother told me I should see this as a blessing in disguize. Peaches is the last thing tying me to that place, and Dan. Once she moves on, I won't need to go down, and my mom can just come up and visit me, I won't have to go down and put up with his Bull Shit to see my beloved equine friend.

I guess things don't happen the way you want them to, but they do happen for a reason.

~my spirit aches from this~
~Daizie

it took me the death of a friend to realize that depression hurts others around you. I've known about that before. but now, I truely realize that.